Five Things We Have Actually Learned From the Iowa Democratic Caucus

1) Pigs make very poor early voters.
Everyone thinks of corn and cows when they think of Iowa, but Iowa is actually the pig capital of America with almost three times as many hogs as the next most-populous pig raising state, North Carolina. Did you know that Iowans have a joke? Just the one. “If pigs could grow corn, there’d be no people in Iowa.”

2) Television journalists are reporting developing feelings…for their teleprompters.
An anonymous source told our reporter that sometimes, all that time alone in room with only the screen, they sometimes think the teleprompter is the only one who truly listens…who truly cares…” Our anonymous source then broke down in tears and had to leave the interview, sticking our reporter with the bill.

3) That Afterschool Special about how Hitler came to power wasn’t wrong.
It seemed so stupid when we were forced to watch it in social studies class because who would do that? But your neighbor Bob is openly flying the Confederate flag along with some white supremacy bullshit and now, 30 years too late, you understand how gobsmackingly stupid people are. You’d better write a letter of apology to Mrs. Morgan, because you were pretty mean to her about that lesson. Is she even still alive? She seemed pretty old back then.

4) It’s getting harder to find countries to threaten to emigrate to.
Canada doesn’t want you, the UK just cut off its own balls, how likely are you going to be able to move to Iceland, really? Finland sounds cold, Mexico would force you to confront your own latent middle-class white liberal racism and the fact that you never paid attention in Spanish class. So would pretty much any continent other than Europe. Maybe Germany or Italy, the only two countries left who seem to remember the problems that happened the last time we pulled this shit. German’s not that hard to learn, is it? Now where did Aunt Irma say her cousin lived?

5) History repeats itself because we’re still not listening
Christ almighty. If we just listened when history told us the first thirty times we wouldn’t have to be reminded again! What is wrong with us that we just cannot remember to stop voting for infantile, unintelligent, homicidal, bloated egomaniacs? You’d think that would be easy to remember, but no….there we go again. History is out of here, it’s not taking our shit any more.